Life in an Asylum...

These past few weeks have been really rough on me. I've been sick and stuck at home (in bed) where my feelings are rapidly making themselves known and are trying to take me down............... So home with my parents is getting to me. My mom hovers, but doesn't know that she's hovering and when I tell her that she is, she tells me she's not and gets mad at me. She's always asking if I need anything (but then, when she gets it for me, she expects something later in return and when I don't do it or don't want to do it, she gets mad at me... to me, she offered, so I took advantage of her getting me something, I wasn't offering to return the favor-- as mean as that sounds.) I just want things to be how they were at Rita's, but it's not. All I want more than anything is to be left alone, able to figure things out on my own. I want to be an adult. I want space. I want the option of not talking when I don't want to, and not being asked a million and one questions until I AM ready. I want to be ABLE to come to my parents for advice before they come to me with the inquisition. I want the option to say no (without being yelled at or made to feel guilty), I want a place to go where I can just relax..... I can't just do my own thing at home, although my mom thinks she letting me, she's not. I want to not offend her every time I say no. I want to not get into an argument every time I say no. I want to not offend her by sitting in my room or not being around her 24/7. I want the right to have MY ROOM messy and not clean it if I don't feel like it. I want a place where I can bring my friends to hang out with out her being there too..... I just want things to change. And she can say that she doesn't care anymore and that she's leaving me alone, and maybe thats true to her, but when things still look the same to me, what am I supposed to think? I know she loves me and she's only trying to make things easier/better for me the only way she knows how, but it's only making things harder. On top of all of that, I'm tired of guys! Why is it when you aren't looking and don't want to look, all of the guys come out of the woodworks? And all of the wrong guys at that.... I just want to be left alone to figure out who I am! I guess up until this very second I haven't had the balls to just say leave me alone, I don't want to hang out with you, or I don't want to talk to you, or you're not getting in my pants! I guess I tried to tell myself 'Oh they're old friends, it would be no big deal to hang out with them, they are JUST friends, and plus I have self control...' But that's a lie. I'm not strong enough yet! I mean the attention has been nice (hence where the problem lies), but in the same sense it sucks! Thats my problem. It's been so long since I've felt loved or wanted that I guess the first guy that came around I was susceptible to. Now I've get a guy as a pen pal who thinks one day we'll get married, and others who just want to sleep with me, a guy that I kissed (which was honestly weird/gross by the way), and then another guy that we traded back-rubs and he tried to grab my boob. I just hate it all because up until this point the attention was nice, but somehow it still makes me feel like S***. And stupid me couldn't even see that the attention I was getting, I was only getting as an afterthought. If those guys really wanted me for me (not trying to sleep with me...) they would ask me out, or they would call. But they don't. And stupid me, the attention felt nice none the less.... so I fell for it, until NOW. I'm just so tired of screwing up! I hate that I don't make better decisions......... I just don't understand why I get to a point where I just don't care anymore? I know I'm not perfect, but if what I do, or the things around me aren't perfect... I don't care. I've tried so hard not feeling that way (not being a perfectionist), but it has finally caught up with me about a week and a half ago and hit me like a ton of bricks. Being at home is like hell for me (right now anyways). I have time to think about, over-analyze, and feel everything I've tried to avoid for so long and not even running or getting yourself into stupid situations (in efforts to forget) can make those feelings go away. I even tried not reading my scriptures and not praying (since I felt like things weren't going my way anyways), but that made things WAY way worse. I think that's why I didn't have the strength to 'just say no' to not so good situations and why I probably got into them in the first place. But I don't know where to go from here, I don't know how to pick myself back up again.

I just want to be happy with no strings attached. But somehow, always, there are strings attached. I don't know what to do anymore. I was doing so good at getting my life back together, but now I just feel like I'm falling, and falling fast, and I don't know how to get back up again.

Newness...

So Alison came home from her mission a couple of weeks ago and I'm LOVING IT! It's so nice to have someone I like to hang around with again, but I didn't think it would be this busy! These past two weeks have been like non-stop! I LOVE IT!

Tomorrow my God-daughter Audrina gets baptized! So precious! Then I volunteer swim coach for special needs children. It's my first time doing that and i'm kind of anxious to see how it goes. I think it will be fun though :)

It's been three months since I've called off the wedding... which kind of makes me think about dating again... but kind of doesn't. I mean I want to... but then again I don't. It feels like it has been forever since Jake, but three months is totally NOT forever and really not that long at all! I don't know, it's all just a new feeling to me. The men I'm around are JUST friends to me and it's hard to think of them as more... or anyone I meet for that matter... I don't think of them like THAT. I don't know... I just want to have fun and I guess I'm thinking just a little bit too much about it. Who knows... Advice anyone?

Blogging...

So I've decided to start blogging... again... Only this time I decided to make it a goal of mine to actually do it! I want to write about the things that I go through and the things I overcome, the fun things I get to do and the new things I learn. I figure I better give me something to remember my younger years by so that when I'm too senile to remember my 20's I'll have something to review! :)